Abigail Vos grew up as a kingdom kid in the church in Johannesburg, South Africa, where she was “content with benefiting from the kingdom without submitting to the king”. She needed a “time-out” to learn it’s about having a personal relationship with God. This is her story:

“I grew up in the church surrounded by amazing people and structures that always attempted to lead me to God, and I’m very grateful for that. At 14, I started pursuing my own relationship with God, but it took me a while to see God for who he was and I was baptised at 16. But, as everyone tells you, baptism is not the end but the start of the journey, and mine didn’t go the way I expected.

In 2017, I started my studies at Wits (the University of the Witwatersrand) and was very excited to be a part of the campus ministry, and spent more time with them than with my own family; I’d even skip class to do Bible studies with people. I built amazing friendships, went on road trips and lived my best life. But the more I threw myself into the kingdom, the more my life was exposed. A close friendship disintegrated and caused pain I never thought I’d experience in the kingdom. I started doubting things I never doubted before, and struggled with things I never had to count the cost on—I never thought they’d be a part of my story.

This weighed down my heart. I became fearful to bring them up, fearful of what others would think of the ‘kingdom kid’ going through these things, fearful of what I’d have to do to deal with them. So I kept them to myself and continued to play the church game.

As time continued, doubt and hurt festered and became bitterness, anger and scepticism. My heart became hard. But, I was so deceived, I believed all was fine, because I studied the Bible with people, raised my hand for every question at Bible talk, and gave what I thought to be solid advice. I spent a lot of time on godly activities but none with God; I didn’t pray, nor did I want to hear from him. 

Instead, I was very content with benefiting from the kingdom without submitting to the king. But deceit catches up with you.

At the start of 2019, I went to our campus ministry leader, Laura (Genis), and asked her to help me fix my life; I opened up about what was happening. In all of this, she’d always ask me, ‘Do you want a relationship with God?’ My answer would be ‘I want to want one’. I wanted to be in a place where I wanted a relationship with God. But truthfully, I didn’t want God anymore. I just wanted the things that surrounded him.

So nothing changed because I didn’t see a need for it to change. I still had my close friendships, my comfortable and safe spaces, endless grace, and I knew how to play this game. Or so I thought.

Towards the end of 2019, my mom and sister came into my room and had a very honest conversation with me. Everything I thought I hid so well, was not only evident, but hurt them. My mom shared that people were concerned about me, but she felt hopeless, because she never knew what to tell them. My sister told me she didn’t want her friends to be around me because she didn’t want them to think that this was how a disciple lived. Looking back now, I’m incredibly grateful they loved me enough to be honest with me.

I went back to Laura, hoping she’d justify my feelings and console me but, instead, I found another honest conversation. I no longer wanted, or could get away with reaping the benefits of a supposed godly life without an actual relationship with God.