Learning To Love God Again After Suffering Abuse

Annemarie Botes – a sister in the Johannesburg Church of Christ (South Africa) – experienced verbal, emotional and financial abuse at the hands of her husband. She shares her journey of learning to love God all over again when she made Jesus Lord of her life:

“I grew up in a Christian home but never really knew or had a meaningful relationship with God. On the other hand, I had a wonderful relationship with my father and three brothers.

I met and fell in love with Mark. We got married and joined a denominational church. I attended a few Christian retreats and courses where I became very aware of God’s grace and mercy.

A miraculous escape

But, early in our marriage, my husband became addicted to all kind of substances such as prescription medication, cough mixture, painkillers, and alcohol. Then the abuse started. Over the span of 10 years I suffered financial, emotional, and verbal abuse. He said terrible things to me and threatened to kill me many times. Mark was admitted to several rehab centres, but he was never strong enough to win the battle over addiction.

The day before my youngest daughter was born we, with our two children, went to buy food. A man walked in and greeted everyone in general. I responded politely. When we got back into the car my husband exploded and shouted that he now had proof that my unborn baby was not his, and that the father was the man who I greeted in the café. He screamed that I’d arranged to meet the man there to give him some sign or message. He said, ‘Now I’m going to kill you!’ He drove to a graveyard which was very dark and scary. He stopped the car and said, ‘Say goodbye to each other, I’m going to kill you now.’

I prayed and asked God to save us. A car pulled up behind us and a man got out and asked: ‘Are you okay? Do you need help?’

I screamed, ‘Help! My husband is going to kill us!’ I can’t remember if the man spoke another word. But, in the next moment, Mark suddenly calmed down and said we were going home. I never saw the man or the car leave, but I believe that God had answered my prayers and sent an angel to save us. We were all traumatised. I decided there and then that I would fight any way I could to save myself and my children. We survived but the trauma and emotional scars remained.

Without help

I asked the doctors and therapists at the various rehab centres to help Mark deal with his childhood trauma and not only to prescribe medication. They shrugged me off as the ‘rude, unfaithful wife who wanted to get rid of her husband’ and continued to prescribe up to 10 different tablets for Mark which inflamed the situation. Dealing with the justice system was a nightmare. It was my word against his. I was labelled a liar because I didn’t have any physical scars to proof abuse. They believed only physical abuse equalled ‘real’ abuse.

I then decided that only I could save myself and my children. So I fought my husband tooth and nail, and became abusive towards him in return. My love for my husband turned into intense hatred. I came up with a sneaky plan to secretly divorce him and succeeded. He ended up living all alone in a caravan park in a different town.

I suffered the consequences of my plan. Mark became even more abusive. He’d turn up at my house and screamed terrible vulgarities and threats at me. At night, he called me constantly and left chilling messages of how he was going to kill me. This continued for two years. Then he passed away due to complications of substance abuse. I was free! I thought I could just continue to live as I’d been living, but God had other plans for me.

A new hope

My son JQ started university. One day he informed me that he’d be attending a church in Joburg. I asked questions that he could not answer and became frantic, worried that he’d be brainwashed and abducted. He was determined to go and I decided to go along to ‘protect’ him.

After about a year of just attending church, a sister, Natasha, asked me to attend her Bible talk. I said no as I had no intention of making friends or joining anything. JQ got baptised and I could see how he had changed and displayed true commitment to God. So I accepted Natasha’s invitation.

That Monday night, I went to the gym and arrived at the Bible discussion looking none too fresh and smelling of chlorine. I hoped this would put them all off. Once again, God was in control. He arranged for me to sit next to Quinnette who raised three boys and the smell of chlorine or my appearance did not put her off. I loved her from the first minute. As the evening wrapped up she asked me to study the Bible with her. Without any hesitation I answered ‘yes’, not realising how God executed His plan for me through these amazing women.

Getting to know God

I was a self-proclaimed rebel and studying the Bible was challenging. I decided that no-one would change me. I questioned a lot of things — about God being male and His treatment of women. I was adamant that a man wouldn’t bully me again. I perceived the guidelines in the Bible as ways to control me, and projected my human husband’s shortcomings onto God. I demanded to see evidence that God loved women as I didn’t believe in unconditional love between a man and a women.

I was, as always, on a quest to prove women are strong, courageous and equal to men. We can look after ourselves; we don’t need God. God is also a man and I for one, could survive without a man! I had to raise my kids alone. I projected my resentment for my late husband unto God. ‘Where were you, God when I was alone, terrified, traumatised and desperate? Nowhere — I had to save myself!’

I was very negative about God (as a male) and stopped the studies. I was confused, scared, tired and unconvinced. I had to take a break.

Amazing grace

But, something amazing happened. God showed me how much He loved and valued me! He showed me that He had chosen me 10 years ago to make a difference in someone’s life and He trusted me to fulfil the task He’d given me. He used a long-winded tale and three women to demonstrate His love for me. I was blown away to realise that God loves me. I wanted to be baptised there and then! I realised that I had closed my heart to God and became convinced that I couldn’t allow any human to love me. Neither could I reciprocate that love, even if that man was God! Studying the scriptures made me realise that God loves women so much that He chose us to do the most amazing work for His Kingdom. I started falling in love with God. My heart opened to see God’s kind words of grace, mercy and compassion. I realised I was the one that had to change. I needed to break down that fortress around my heart and allow God to be my stronghold.

I realised that I needed to forgive myself for turning into a bully who enjoyed making my late husband’s life unbearable. I had to forgive myself for the choices I’d made, evicting Mark from our home and our lives, and making my children miss out on growing up with their father in their lives. I had to forgive myself for the hatred and judgement I bestowed onto males and God. That was a hard but very rewarding process. Forgiving yourself is tough because you have to acknowledge your own wrongdoing and shortcomings.

Then I had to ask God’s forgiveness. That was easier because God loves unconditionally and He was just waiting for me to open my heart to Him to welcome me in His embrace. That was one of the most wonderful and exhilarating moment when I realised God will look after me and my heart. I am now truly free to live and love wholeheartedly.

Reach out

If you are in an abusive situation, I want to encourage you to reach out to someone and tell them the truth. Don’t try and save yourself. We need help, and there are many people willing to help. I now know that God was with me every second. Although I felt totally alone, God was right beside me, protecting and giving me the strength to continue.

Never measure your worth against how someone treats you. Look in the scriptures and discover your worth before God who loves you unconditionally. We abuse ourselves when we don’t allow ourselves to live life wholeheartedly and happy in God’s presence and care. God is love. Nothing can take God’s love from us. I am the perfect example.

God loves me so much and still has plans and tasks for me to complete. He sends people my way daily so I can make a difference in someone else’s life, just as He has made in mine, and is still changing my life daily.

Put your dreams before God and see what He can do!”

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